HOW THE SHRUB SCREWED CHRISTMAS: NOT

HOW THE SHRUB SCREWED CHRISTMAS: NOT
Based on HOW THE GRINCH STOLE CHRISTMAS
by DOCTOR SEUSS ( AKA Theodor Geisel)
Parody Version by Brandon, Daniel, Jeffrey, and Kelli


Every Blue
Up in Blue-ville
Loved Christmas a lot
But the Shrub
Who lived South of Blue-ville
Did NOT
The Shrub hated Christmas; and this was a reason
He hated the joy and the whole peaceful season.
It could be perhaps he loved pain and the fright
Or maybe his brain wasn't working quite right
But I believe that the most likely reason of all
May have been that his conscience was no conscience at all.

But whatever the reason
The soul or his brain
He cursed through December, raising all kinds of Cain
Glaring up from DC with a mean Bushy smirk
He proved to the people that the Shrub was a jerk
Yes he knew every Blue up in Blue-ville above
Was now happily showing the peace and the love

"And they've taken my Congress," he complained in a snit
"They're praying for peace, they are so full of shit."
Then he clawed with Bush talons, crazily drumming
"Stop democracy now, keep the freedom from coming."

For tomorrow he knew
All the Blue girls and boys
Would wake up in the morning and then play with their toys
And then oh the joy! Oh the joy joy joy joy!
That's a thing Shrub hate so, the JOY JOY JOY JOY!

And THEN
They'd do something
That didn't belong
Every Blue up in Blue-ville, the weak and the strong
Would speak truth to power, and fresh from their winning,
They;d look in Shrub's face and they'd tell him "stop spinning!"
They'd tell and they'd tell!
And they'd TELL TELL TELL TELL!

And the more the Shrub thought of the things they would tell
The more the Shrub thought "I'll send Christmas to hell!
"Why for six God damned years we've exploited it now!
"I'll screw Christmas good!
"But how?"

Then Shrub got an idea
A dreadful idea
THE SHRUB HAD A SOCIOPATHIC IDEA!

"I know how to do it," the Shrub growled out loud
And he made a quick plan that would make Beelzebub proud.
And he smirked and he sneered, "what a great dirty trick!
"With some lies and the press I'll make every Blue sick!

"All I need is a gimmick!"
The Shrub looked around.
"But since truth is rare here it'll never be found.
Did that bother the Shrub?
"No The Shrub coyly said
"If I can't tell the truth I'll tell whoppers instead!"
So he called his pet FOX, then he called on the Reich
And the pundits crawled out, telling "facts" that weren't right

THEN
He sat in his chair
On his fat lazy ass
And the "Christians" all bitched
As the days came to pass.

And the corporate press
Came to spread the attack
Start a Yuletide war
To distract from Iraq.

All their words were ablaze, hatred soon frilled the air.
And the Blues were all hearing that the right never cared
"We will mow the Blues down," Sean Hannity hissed.
"We're God-fearing pigs and we want our butts kissed!

"We demand Merry Christmas, no more Holiday tree
"Shove our faith down your throat so that Blues can't be free!"
The Shrub found it good, how loved Goebbels chant!
And he laughed and he laughed with each right wing rant!
The radical "Christians" want a theocrat state.
To burn witches and homos and do it for hate.

The rage was a flowing; it's what fundies do best
They will persecute all and they won't let it rest
"The Jews and the Wicans, the Muslims, yes ma'am!
"The Buddhists and Hindus, agnostics all damned!"
They say they love Jesus, and they must do his will
But the words that they use are just so much damned swill

"No more Hanukkah dear, then Quanza must go!
"The solstice is next, yes we sunk oh so low!
"Burn 'Jingle Bells' soon,, its not in our canon
"We'll ban 'Deck The Balls' 'cause we don't like ass rammin'
"And we'll shot sidewalk Santas because Satan is vile
"Then we'll burn pagan wreaths if you give us awhile."

And the Shrub was a laughin' in spite of himself
Then he reached for the bottles that he kept on the shelf
He gulped down the brandy and sipped up the rum
"The ah people," he stammered, they sure can be dumb!"

The shrub was caught up in his maniac laughter
So eager to see what the Blues would do after.
All the Blues, he well knew, would ask 'W' why?
"Why ruin our Christmas, oh please tell us why?!"

But you know that mean Shrub was so mad and so slick
He found a new lie and he tossed it out quick
"Dear people, dear friends," the 'W' lied.
"I love Christmas too, won't you please join my side?
"I love Joseph and Marry and Baby Christ too
"I know who to kill ; that's what Jesus would do!"

And he fooled the few so inclined to believe
And the shrub was relaxed, he felt oh so relieved
So the pundits were griping with Yuletide Cheer
They made "Merry Christmas" a tool of fear.

And the last thing Bush said,
"Merry Christmas to you,"
Made the Fundies and Pastors think that Shrub was Christ too
And they prayed to the Shrub, just what else could they do?
And if there was truth
That he told on that day
It was lost while the freaks went on talking away

THEN
Robertson spoke
And Herr Dobson did rave
But when they were done not a single soul had been saved.

The Pastors of hate said "Happy Holiday, dead.
"We think with out butts and we don't use our heads.
"We hate all the Blues, yes our compassion is done
"They'll pray to our God at the point of a gun!
"They soon will we wake up, we know what they'll do!
"They'll cry and they'll fuss and we'll tell them 'screw you!'
"And the Blues up in Blue-ville will act as we tell them to do!"

"Here t comes," cackled Shrub
"This I simply MUST hear!"
And there was a new sound rising up from the crowd
It started out low and then it got oh so loud!

But the sound wasn't fear
Why the sound wasn't sad
Te Shrub was aghast
The sound was upbeat and glad!

He glared up at Blue-ville
His shorts in a bunch
What he saw hit him hard and he brought up his lunch.

Every Blue up in Blue-ville, the weak and the strong,
Was speaking and telling the Shrub was all wrong.
He hadn't screwed Holiday freedom at all
It came
The Liberty came and it drove Shrub insane

And the Shrub in his anger, just couldn't conceive
Why sane people heard lies and refused to believe.
"It came with the Muslims! It came with the Jews!
It came with Agnostics! It came with the Blues!"
And he screamed and he screamed, 'til his throat was too hoarse
Then he shouted for hours but his rage ran no course
So he fell to the floor and he chewed on the rug
His talons dug carpet, oh he DUG DUG DUG DUG!

So what happened then?
Up in Blue-ville they say
The FASCIST right wing really lost it that day!
O'Reilly went home and he started to pout!
Rush Limbaugh killed pain, Oxycontin no doubt
Anne Coulter threw up 'til her implants fell out

And the Shrub
Drank Drank Drank
With a whine and a shout.